Posted by Kathleen Quiring | Project M in Confessions & Personal | 5 Comments
Uncensored Prayer #2
Hi God,
So, wow. It’s been a really long time since I last talked to you. (Like a real conversation, not just spontaneous Oh God thank you so much for this gorgeous baby.) I’m pretty sure that if anyone at my church knew how long it’s been, they would question whether I’m even a Christian. And they would say that that explains why I haven’t been to church in forever. And that last time I read my Bible? I don’t want to think about it, or I might start questioning whether I’m even a Christian.
The trouble is, God, it seems like you talk to other Christians way more than you talk to me. This was the case even when I talked to you every day.
The other day our pastor asked a group of us to share what you’ve been telling us lately. When no one answered, he wrote us off as being too shy, and told us we ought to be more open about these things. He didn’t imagine for a second that we hadn’t shared anything because there was nothing to share. What God has been telling us lately? Does God speak to individuals more than once or twice a decade?
I do feel like you’ve spoken to me a couple of times in my life. I can think of at least three distinct occasions. Twice in university, and once in my married life.
I once told some of my university friends that I was pretty sure you’d spoken to me a couple of times before, and they were in awe. The Creator of the Universe spoke to you? They seemed to think I was incredibly privileged, like Julian of Norwich, whom we studied in Medieval Literature.
But according to my Evangelical friends, I should be hearing you at least on a weekly basis. If I’m not, I must be doing something wrong.
So which is it? Am I not a real Christian if I haven’t heard from you in over a year? Or if I haven’t read the Bible or been to church in who knows how long? Are those the things that make a person a Christian?
The thing is, I still believe you are all the things the Bible says you are. I believe Jesus is the only hope for our ruined world. I believe that you’re there, that you like me, that you love everyone, and that you want all of us to care for each other. I try to live out your wishes by remaining faithful to my husband, caring for my daughter, recycling, donating money to the poor, being friendly and patient with the other people in line at the grocery store, growing vegetables, eating organic, buying fair-trade or second-hand, reading books written by your followers, and offering to babysit our friends’ kids for free. And I do all these things because I believe this is your world and you love everything in it and you want us to treat them well. Are those the kinds of things you’re looking for?
They feel right to me, but all my life I’ve been told that it’s all about prayer, Bible-reading, and church attendance. I should be having all these spiritual feelings, singing these certain songs, and exchanging all these words with you.
Honestly, God, writing it all out, I’m feeling less and less guilty for my lack of Evangelical-y behavior and more and more okay with what I’ve been doing. I hope you agree, since it’s your will that really matters in all this. But how do I know you approve? Will you let me know via guilty conscience, or do I need to sit in a quiet place every day and just listen for an answer?
I guess if I think about it, Jesus often went off to be alone and listen to you in a quiet place, so I should probably do the same. And I might be able to find answers in the Scriptures if I read them more often.
Wait a second. Just now, when I said that “writing it all out, I’m feeling less and less guilty…” was that an instance of you communicating with me? I took some time out of my day to quietly reflect, and by the end of it I felt peace about the way I’ve been living my life. Was that you? Or just me?
That’s the frustrating thing about talking to you, God: I’m never sure if it’s you talking back, or just my imagination.
I guess I’ll never know for sure, and that’s where faith comes in, et cetera, et cetera. I guess I’ll trust that that was a God moment.
I guess I should do this more often. Thanks for having Justin ask me to do this. It’s kinda cool how you work sometimes.
Genuine.
Really clever writing — thoughtful, and so true! I vote that God was talking to you
Honest post, Kathleen. Although, I think that when a pastor or another Christian asks you what God’s been saying to you lately, it doesn’t necessarily mean: ‘what has God been saying to you?’ I would venture that it’s more about feeling. What have you been feeling latley, and is that God trying to say something? For example, if you’re feeling peaceful and satisfied, God could be speaking to you through nature and emotion, in essence, speaking through feeling. Or if you feel ignored and detached from God, it is God speaking to you through those feelings, as in, perhaps He feels ignored and detached and needs to let you know. (I could be completley off the mark, but it’s just a theory). Considering very few people in the Bible were actually physically spoken to by God, I certainly don’t expect to be spoken to during my time on earth.
Once when I felt ignored by God I surrounded myself with beautiful things. My husband and I were driving home after seeing the newest Harry Potter and he had put in a beautifully, haunting CD (The Civil Wars) and we were driving by a field lit with thousands of fireflies…and in that moment I had never felt God more. It was as if He was speaking to me about beauty through my overwhelming emotion.
Vulnerable, and beautiful. When I reflect on my “God moments” they often come through people and experiences throughout my normal day. I would say God spoke to you through your friend Justin, and your reflection time. I also believe God can speak to you through the decisions you make in how you treat your hubby, your daughter, your neighbor. I feel like I have a small glimpse of God’s Father heart as I look at my children and the love I have for them. Similarly, my marriage in how it can reflect our relationship with God. BUT, if you are like me, sometimes we can use seeing God through the everyday as an excuse to make ourselves feel better spiritually. We still need to take time out for Him, we need to read the Bible, where He clearly spoke in written form, and we need to surround ourselves with a living community where we can learn this Truth together. Press on sister, you are not alone.
I know this blog might be a little dated but relevant none the less. Lately I have been feeling ignored by God in the area of landing a job. I know it is trivial compared to the grand scheme of eternity but required in this day and age. Besides I believe God blesses a follower who is committed to their work in a way that provides for the family and glorifies Him. Which is why I feel ignored by God, because I love to work. I spent the last two years slugging it out in school to get my MBA and thought the doors would open but nothing. I became so accustomed to a rapid fire life that I could never imagine slowing down enough to smell the roses. Yet here I am out of work, a beautiful wife, two great kids, and third on the way in a matter of days. For months I have pleading with God to give me direction on where to work, move, and raise the kids, but nothing. Just silence. I have no more uplifting words of wisdom to tell myself that “something” will open, better times are ahead, you know all the stuff we say to endure another day of life. And yet I do feel that God does have something amazing in store, I am just exhausted from the process. When all you have is Gods word and promise to never leave you, there is nowhere to go but up. Today I will just breathe and thank Him for the details of my life.